Austin turned 2 months on June 2nd! He is just getting more cute everyday.
On Thursday night, I had a mini-breakdown when I was putting Austin to bed. His Cystic Fibrosis diagnosis has been difficult for us and although I try to remain calm and keep everything together, there are some days when I can’t. I cried this time because I am so frustrated with Austin’s weight gain. He keeps slipping down towards the 3% line. I sobbed to Tyler saying that this isn’t how it is supposed to be; babies are supposed to be fat. Babies are supposed to have rolls and 2-3 chins. It shouldn’t be this hard to get Austin to gain weight. It’s kind of a slap in the face for me every time he gets weighed. I work so hard all day getting him to eat and making sure he always gets his enzymes, but he is still nowhere near where he needs to be.
We went to UCSF yesterday morning for his CF appointment. I REALLY wanted him to finally be 10 pounds, which is ridiculous because the majority of babies weigh 10 pounds by the time the are like a month old. Austin weighed in at 9 pounds 15 ounces.
SERIOUSLY?! What the hell? I was so angry, but I somehow managed to keep a straight face. Austin is now dangerously close to falling off the 3% line (his percentile was 3.03 exactly). I am terrified that Austin will keep falling off the charts and that he will have to get a feeding tube inserted. Even thinking about that right this second brings tears to my eyes.
This was not how it was supposed to be. This wasn’t supposed to happen to us.
Not going to lie, I get really angry sometimes. I know I shouldn’t think like this, but this is just not f*cking fair!! I get so angry and jealous that all my friends are having perfectly healthy babies. All I wanted my whole life was to eventually get married and have a mini-army of children and now that dream feels like it will never happen. It sure as hell won’t happen naturally, as I refuse to have another CF baby.
Everyone keeps telling me that everything is happening “the way things are supposed to be” and that “everything happens for a reason.” Sometimes I want to punch those people in the face. It’s only been 2 months since Austin was born and a little less than 2 months since his diagnosis. It is going to take some time for me to accept this. I am glad that I have found some people via Facebook and Twitter who have gone through the same thing as me. It’s comforting to know that the things I am feeling, many people also felt in the beginning. I know that there are many people out there who will continue to support Tyler and I through this difficult time. I know that one day it will get better…
Below is Austin’s growth chart I’ve been keeping track of since his birth.